Now that I have brought you the Best Dressed, it’s time for my choices for the 2010 Academy Awards Worst Dressed. There were so many choices. The trends for this award show were strapless dresses and ruffles, ruffles and more ruffles. Very few one-shoulder gowns, which was refreshing. So here they are.
We begin with the hands-down winner for not only the ugliest dress, but the ugliest hairdo (the photos do not do it justice: imagine three huge blonde balloons fastened to the back of the head) and the most over-exercised shoulders.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
Not to sound like Little Blond Man on cable, but oh, the humanity! The metal breastplate, the back metal breastplate, the butt jewelry…where does it end? No wonder Matthew Broderick looked so uncomfortable all evening. Who wants to be seen with a Chrysler hood ornament? And how did she sit down without that big lump of metal sticking into her butt? Is she trying to channel 60s Barbra Streisand? (Who, by the way, has had a face lift that has left her with such tight skin that if you shake her hand, she nods.) This was Chanel Couture.
This probably means that Sarah won’t be making me custom scented soap anymore. Sorry, dahling, but one must tell the truth.
However, there was a close runner-up:
What is with that shredded toilet paper skirt? That Victorian black bordello trim? Jaws dropped as she made her way down the red carpet, and not in a good way. Is this a vintage 1890s salvaged gown where they cut away the rotted parts? No, it is Chanel once again. The grinding sound you hear is Coco Chanel rotating in her grave.
The rest, is no particular order, are:
What was she thinking? “My breasts are so small that I must make everyone notice how tiny they are”? “Nobody cares that I’m here so I’m going to wear a REALLY UGLY DRESS so I get photographed and talked about. I NEED PUBLICITY, PEOPLE!” Actually, the more I look at this Christian Dior mess, the more it looks as though a lilac-colored alien being is reaching its lobster-like claws around her chest.
It certainly was thrifty of her to dash into David’s Bridal that morning and find this on the sale rack.
Another member of the overworked-out crowd, why TV personality Samantha Harris chose this ill-fitting gown with its confusing neckline eludes me. I think she may be suffering from Charlize Theron syndrome: NOTICE ME, DAMMIT!
The young actress managed to find an Armani Prive’ dress that did the opposite: erased her personality. One must confess, the plethora of actresses wearing updos and slicked back hair got awfully tiresome, as seen here.
This is the gaunt woman who works alongside Little Blond Man, critiquing the fashions as they come down the runway. They had to pleat her chest to give her cleavage. God, if only women like this would wear sleeves! The world would be a better place.
As has been noted, it was raining at the Academy Awards that night. Poor Demi Moore and her Atelier Versace gown obviously got caught in a downpour, judging from the sad drowned ruffles and the disheveled hair. I hope she was toweled down shortly after this photograph was taken.
Her hunched posture and scowl certainly did not add to the fact that this Monique Lhuillier dress is simply too old for her. Maybe that’s why she was scowling? “Mooom, I want to wear Custo Barcelona!”
Speaking of hunched posture, Miley managed to maintain this uncomfortable and unflattering pose all evening. Perhaps her backless longline bra was too short? She borrowed both the dress and the hairdo from her grandmother, it seems. (However, next to her mother, Miley looked like a beacon of good taste.) One suspects her father encouraged her to wear this outfit.
TOO MUCH DRESS
This had to be a separate category all its own, because so many actresses chose enormous gowns that, in some cases, caused tragedy (to be described below). No, zombie Nicole Kidman was not roaming backstage, looking for brains to eat.
Where to start? The strange tissue paper flamenco styling that looks as though the purple had vomited out the bottom of the skirt? The hideous color pallette? The strange, unflattering bodice? The little tiny head at the top of this mess? Oh, well, if you wanted B-picture drama on the red carpet, this was your gown. By Givenchy, no less.
Actually, it’s rather charming that Ms. McAdams made her dress herself, tie-dying the cloth and then basting it together. She got carried away with the skirt, however. Ms. McAdams gets that way sometimes.
My first thought upon seeing this Armani Prive’ gown was that Jennifer Lopez was trying to make her husband Marc Anthony even more inconspicuous. Why does he bother to leave the house anymore? My second thought was that the piece sticking out of the ice pink bodice could easily be snapped off. And that perhaps the entire dress was made from that thin foamboard children play with in first grade. Fortunately, in case something like that happened, she was carrying a huge pink handkerchief attached to her hip to clean up any mess.
And she looked so beautiful in Up In The Air. This is the tragedy I alluded to above: another actress devoured by her own dress. Shortly after she left the Academy stage, screams were heard coming from the ladies room. Witnesses who rushed in have reported that Farmiga was gone. There was only a huge heap of ruffles on the tiled floor. Another senseless couture tragedy.
So there you have it. Please feel free to comment, agree or disagree. But remember; I am always right.
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog