With all of the tumult going on qua my last entry, I thought we could all do with some fun.
The Season Seven DVDs are shortly to be coming out. One of the much-awaited extras is the finale, “Moving On,” with commentary by David Shore and Greg Yaitanes.
I must emphasize that I DID NOT WRITE THIS. It was written by my dear friend Nancy, and published with her permission. Again, I DID NOT WRITE THIS. So give Nancy the compliments, not moi. But I think it’s tres amusant.
Title: “MOVING ON”; A DVD Extra Commentary fanfiction
Disclaimer: This is a fictional piece featuring a fictional executive producer David Shore and a fictional director Greg Yaitanes. Any resemblance to anyone real, or that we are familiar with, is completely coincidental. Much like House in the last episode.
Note: Italics show scene descriptions or spoken lines from the finale, “Moving On”.
“MOVING ON”; A DVD Extra Commentary
House makes his way back to the car after seeing Cuddy having a nice time with a strange man, her sister and her sister’s husband. He fingers the hairbrush as he climbs in.
Wilson: What just happened?
House; Get out.
Wilson: What just happened?
House: Get out.
Wilson: House, what are you mad about? Just let it out. You’ll feel better.
Wilson gets out of the car.
David Shore (DS): That damn Wilson character annoys me with his constant caring and concern.
Greg Yaitanes (GY): Yeah well, can’t have a tough brooding anti-hero without a goofy sidekick. Besides, Leonard fills up screen time.
GY: Never mind.
DS: I think he should have kept Wilson in the car.
GY: But then he would have risked killing him.
DS: No one is going to get hurt. Just because it is a 1972 Dodge with no airbags doesn’t mean anyone is at risk.
House drives down the street and begins to turn the car around
DS: Whatever happened to House’s Corvette?
GY: Volger made him give it away.
DS: But House never listened to Volger.
GY: Want me to bring it back in Season 8? He could have it on the island.
DS: How will we explain it’s sudden reappearance?
GY: We have to explain things?
House begins to pick up speed
GY: Awesome!! We’re coming to my favorite part. He’s gonna do it!!
DS: Of course he’s going to do it. He’s under contract.
GY: Too bad Lisa didn’t renew.
GY: You know, the chick with boobs.
DS: The model?
GY: Nah, the older one. The one in the house.
DS: Whatever, that was a Katie Jacobs’ thing, not my vision. We don’t really need any women on this show. Well, maybe one, but that always could be a hooker. Our female fans always enjoy women presented as nothing more than sexual fantasies.
GY: Or one night stands for Chase and Taub,
DS: I know, cool, huh?
House spins the car to the left onto the driveway and then the lawn, going at top speed. Wilson jumps out of the way.
DS: Now watch as our speeding hero instantly figures out the trajectory of the car, the layout of the house to be certain there are no support beams he might hit, positions the car to crash in a way that hurts neither himself nor anyone in the house and…assures that the car won’t explode.
GY: And he does this all while high on a month’s supply of Vicodin, consumed with rage, and while speeding as fast as he can go!
DS: That’s why we call him a genius!
GY: How does he know that Rachel isn’t in the house? Or one of Julie’s little kids?
DS: Who’s Julie?
GY: Cuddy’s sister.
DS: I thought she was named Lucinda.
GY: I thought so too but the fans wrote to us to tell us no.
DS: We still have fans? I thought we got rid of those this season?
GY: I’m working on it, I’m working on it. These things take time, you know.
DS: Don’t be so sensitive, Greg. Anyway, I don’t know about any kids of Lucinda, er, Julie, but Rachel is at Arlene’s house.
GY: Yeah, but how did House know that?
DS: Cuddy mentioned it in one of the sneak peaks. That’s how he knew.
GY: House watches his own sneak peaks?
DS: Shut up and watch the crash.
Crash! Right into the dining room. The table is destroyed, a light falls from the ceiling. Car door opens with a concerted push.
DS: And look, he’s not even wearing a seat belt. And yet he doesn’t have so much as a scratch.
GY: Not to mention he checked himself out of the ICU that morning.
DS. I know. Is he is a cool super hero or what? Er, I mean anti hero.
GY: I guess you were right, House knew exactly what he was doing. No one was hurt.
DS: Exactly. House isn’t a killer you know. He is just a boyfriend that is a bit upset. He needed to make Cuddy understand how he feels.
GY: Yeah, it is not like he could have talked to her like she wanted him to.
DS: Of course not, he is all about action, not words.
GY: Right. He had to show her that it isn’t acceptable for her to carry on with her life and the life of her child when House is out there having to find comfort in the arms of multiple hookers and a green-card wife.
DS: Exactly my point.
House climbs around the car, and over glass and debris, to hand back Cuddy’s hairbrush.
DS: See, he is willing to do whatever it takes to return Cuddy’s hairbrush. He is a man of principle! There is a code he lives by, even if society doesn’t always approve.
GY: Yeah, he is great guy. Especially the way he risks getting all cut up again after having done self surgery just last week. I wish I could be like him.
DS: Feel free to live vicariously through House. I do.
GY: Is the hairbrush symbolic of something?
DS: Nah, I was hoping that House could spank Cuddy with it when he returned it, but the actress wouldn’t agree. She said she had enough of acting out my, er, I mean House’s, sexual fantasies.
GY: I am sure our female fans will be bummed.
House hands the brush to Cuddy. Oddly, not one of the four people in the house attack him. He walks out and over to a goldfish faced Wilson.
House to Wilson: You were right, I feel much better.
DS: See, this was my vision all along.
GY: That House was a murderer?
DS; Possibly. But what I meant was that House is meant to be a lone hero, fighting for his liberation.
GY: Right. Liberation from Wilson and Cuddy – the ones who have been holding him back.
DS: What have they ever really done for him?
GY: Besides hire him when no one else would, protect his job from the board, give him a department of his own, be his friend, confidant, and conscience, take him to monster truck rallies, allow him to screw with their personal lives and ruin every other relationship they ever managed to have, allow him to try to prevent one of them from becoming a parent, lying for him to the police, lying for him on the stand under oath, allow him to live with them, help him to get into a mental health facility, hire him back even without a license and hold his job for him, care about him, worry about him and love him despite all his problems?
DS: Exactly my point, they did nothing for him.
House limps off down the street, all the way to either Hawaii, the Gulf Coast of lower Florida, Puerto Rico, Mexico or Southern California. Or possibly just the airport. Most likely though he heads into a black hole that transports him somewhere where it is still daytime despite the flight time and the movement of the sun.
DS: Well, finally House is free.
GY: No job, no home, no money, no friends and no family. Now that’s freedom for you!
DS: God I love this show.
GY: Me too. We are the bomb. Kaboom!
Thank you, Nancy! And I do hope the rest of you enjoyed this as much as I did, yo.