My dears, what with watching ‘Holding On’ Monday night and again yesterday afternoon, there is a mountain of soiled silk handkerchiefs in the wastebasket. Yes, the wastebasket. They’re ruined during a good cry. A small group of nuns embroider them until they go blind, fortunately, there are always new nuns. In that country, any way.
The POTW of the week is a 19-year-old cheerleader played by a 30-year-old actor with the charisma of an armchair. According to the promo monkeys, there was a SHOCKING SECRET
about the patient. Cheerleader Biff hears his long-dead brother’s voice in his head. Oh. He might be schizophrenic, but probably not. Shocking. What makes this even more boring is that the team is now Taub, Park and Adams.
In any event, his mother, the Worst Mother Ever, had destroyed all of the pictures of the boy and his name, Christopher, was never mentioned again. However, Cheerleader Biff has secretly kept a picture of his brother.
The actual plot
is that Wilson’s cancer is inoperable, and he has decided not to go the chemo route, but live the five months he has left to the fullest. House of course cannot deal with this. So he argues; he drugs Wilson with Propofol (the drug that killed Michael Jackson
) so that Wilson can experience “death”; he fills the cafeteria with actors to play Wilson’s surviving patients.
We know it is a scam the instant House introduces “Mikey.” Another
phony adolescent? Wouldn’t Wilson have recognized them? Why not a simple conversation about how many lives Wilson has saved? They always do that to justify whatever House is up to.
( Note: There is a special circle in hell reserved for the person who invented the “one person starts clapping, then another, and soon everyone is clapping”.)
Meanwhile, Foreman has gotten House season tickets to the hockey games, “one month after Wilson’s expiration date.” It’s no surprise that House tears them up and stuffs them down Foreman’s toilet. What happens later is a surprise, but not the well-written, interesting kind.
Wilson has called Thirteen, who has gone blonde, for advice on how to cope. She naturally assumes he’s going for chemo, but when he says he isn’t, she’s all like, “Okay.” This despite the fact she’s been doing everything she can to keep her Huntington’s from progressing. Then she visits House, who’s staring gloomily at a bald patient in the chemo unit, and tells him…to be honest, I forget. The chemo suites I’ve visited are filled with bored people, most with hair, reading magazines.
Once again, the scenes between Hugh Laurie
and Robert Sean Leonard
are poor gold.
House takes Wilson out for a quiet dinner, where they reminisce, chuckling. (SOILED HANDKERCHIEF ALERT!) It struck me that this type of scene has heretofore always been shown silently. As they reminisce, Wilson starts to rethink his decision. “Don’t do this to me, Wilson,” House says quietly. But Wilson is certain that House is conning him so Wilson can be there longer for House. Once again, it’s about what House needs. Wilson stands up: “I don’t owe you anything. Our entire relationship has been about you. My dying is about me.”
Wilson storms out, and breaks down crying in his car. (SO many handkerchiefs, so beautifully played.) Of course House follows him, and Wilson cries harder.
House: You don’t have to just accept this.
Wilson: Yes, I do have to accept this. I have five months to live and you’re making me go through this ALONE! [Wilson starts crying again]. I’m pissed because I’m dying and it’s not fair. And I need to know that you’re there. I need you to tell me that my life was worthwhile and…I need you to tell me that you love me.
Naturally, House says no. “Not unless you fight.”
Some fans have been deeply offended by the characters acting so out of character. In some ways House hasn’t changed. He’s still trying to get his way, trying to get what he needs and putting himself first.
Foreman lays down the law to Wilson. When Wilson says, “I’m not responsible for House’s happiness,” Foreman responds that he is. And that Wilson has had three broken marriages, hundreds of colleagues, thousands of patients, and the only person who has lasted is House. Foreman: “Enduring pain to do some good for someone you care about. Isn’t that what life is?” I beg your pardon? Does that even mean anything? What sort of home lives do the writers have?
During an earlier scene, the bathroom door is opened and we see the sinks overflowing and two frantic janitors. Did House stuff hockey tickets down every toilet in the hospital?
The Worst Mother Ever shows up at her son’s room. But once she hears the name “Christopher” her eyes bug out and she runs. She really is the Worst Mother Ever.
Cheerleader Biff gets an MRI scan. When Adams and Park slide him out, as Greg Yaitaines
would say, KA-BOOM!
A wall of water descends on them, breaking the ceiling and ruining the MRI.
|The most amazingly symmetrical ceiling collapse ever.
House shows up at the ER, leads the team into Cheerleader Biff’s room, and insta-diagnoses him with some sort of artery thing in his ear. Take it out, all of his symptoms will clear up. And he’ll stop hearing his brother’s voice. (ANVIL ALERT)!
Taub tells House he’s being an ass to Wilson. House loses it and shouts that life is pain, he gets up in pain, he goes to work in pain, he’s considered suicide more times than he can count.
Then House finds out that Cheerleader Biff drank ammonia because he didn’t want to lose his brother’s voice. (ANVIL ALERT)
Enraged, House runs into CB’s room and proceeds to strangle him, yelling about wanting to live and wanting to die. Park clocks him with his own cane, and shrieks that sometimes the truth sucks. (ANVILS, SO MANY ANVILS! RUN!)
The Worst Mother Ever has taken Christopher’s photograph, but agrees to give it back if Cheerleader Biff has the surgery. He accepts fate and loss and all that (ANVIL ALERT) and has the surgery. But! Amazingly enough! The Worst Mother Ever takes out a bunch of photos from his childhood. He starts to cry but doesn’t, while she gives him a bug-eyed smile. Seriously, this woman is frightening.
I think she wanted her son strangled so she could burn all of his pictures and forget about him, too.
Meanwhile House sits alone and plays the piano, which we have been waiting for all season. Wilson eats dinner alone. When he goes to get a bottle of wine, he sees a pack of Oreos.
Wilson turns up on House’s doorstep. “I’m ready to start the next round of chemo?”
“Because you need me. And I don’t think that’s a bad thing anymore.”
“No. You’re the only one I listen to. And when I stopped, I almost killed my patient.” House says Wilson is smarter than him. He’s not okay that there are only five months left, but it’s better than nothing. House says he won’t tell Wilson he loves him, which Wilson seems pleased about. Yours truly was disappointed.
Then, of course, the script goes south. House and Wilson are happily planning a hiking trip, when Foreman enters with the hospital lawyer. Seems House practically destroyed the hospital by stuffing the tickets down Foreman’s toilet. Really? Really? The plumbers at PPTH are worse than security. The tickets have House’s name and fingerprints (??) on them. So House’s parole is revoked. He’s going back to prison for—wait for it—six months. When he gets out, Wilson will be dead.
Sucks to be House. Sucks to be Wilson. Sucks to be a fan, because next week is the final episode. It’s called “Everybody Dies.”
Why didn’t Taub and Adams think the picture was child porn?
Why is “misery” the catchall word for any kind of unhappiness? Don’t the writers have a thesaurus?
Thirteen looks very good as a blonde.
If Wilson dies and House accepts it with serenity, your faithful correspondent is going to have to choke a bitch.
Ciao, Elisa & Fletcher