Derek Lam Prostitutes Himself For Ebay


Ebay has been desperately searching for a way to salvage its diminished reputation. From being known as “America’s flea market” to “America’s junk dump” has taken years of hard work. To earn a reputation as bad as Ebay’s is now, requires devotion.

Devotion to letting Chinese sellers rip off Ebay customers with fake designer merchandise. Devotion to shutting down the small sellers that made Ebay so popular when it began. Devotion to progressly stripping sellers of their rights, including the inability to realistically be rated by buyers, unable to leave feedback about bad buyers, unable to respond to unrealistic expectations by buyers. Unless it’s Express Mail, no package can be counted on to be reliably delivered within two days of payment.

Devotion to further undermining the smaller sellers by running ads by large companies for similar merchandise on the same pages as the listings. By making the search engine virtually impossible to use. By giving preferential treatment to sellers who list in the thousands rather than the dozens.

Devotion to letting Paypal, its subsidiary, arbitrarily withhold the sellers’ money under a series of rules that grow increasing more Byzantine by the year. Which included banning cash and money orders and setting up as competition payment systems that both cost more and were harder to use.

Despite a phony claim to being “just a venue,” Ebay treated the sellers, its CUSTOMERS, as if they had no right to be there. Ebay started as a democracy and gradually became a dictatorship, first under the leadership of the vicious Meg Whitman, and later under the unconscionable rule of John Donahoe.

As an Ebay seller from 2002 until 2010, I am in a position to know all too well what I am writing about. A major problem is that no venue has been able to compete for Ebay’s visibility in the larger marketplace. For years sellers have hoped that Google would set up a competing site. But that apparently is not in the cards.

And now, major designers are selling their collections on Ebay. This is a foul thing to do. Derek Lam is merely the latest designer to spread his legs for Ebay.

His collection will be “voted on” in the same way that American Idol votes on its contestants. Previous prostitutes for Ebay have been Norma Kamali and Narciso Rodriguez.

If you want to bring “affordable fashion” to Americans, sell your collections at Target, which has the honesty to call itself a commercial retailer.

Shame on you, Ebay, for helping to further destroy what was once a viable source of income for so many ordinary Americans. All the while baying that you believe that “people are essentially good.”

People, perhaps, but certainly not your management.

Ebay is a disgrace to the values you pretend to promote, and you are a disgrace to America.


Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

Michael Caine Sums Up My Feelings About Ebay


I have been in a slough of despond (look it up) since closing down my Ebay store. I still have two large bins of handbags to be disposed of somehow, and numerous odds and ends. At the moment, this clip from the movie “Little Voice,” starring Jane Horrocks and Michael Caine, speaks to my soul.

For those of you who have never seen the film, Michael Caine is a small-time promoter who discovers a girl who can sing like anybody, including Judy Garland and Shirley Bassey. But on the night of her big premiere, which has cost him all of his money, everything goes wrong. This is his response. Watch for Ewan MacGregor as the other male lead, and Brenda Blethyn.

There are many future endeavors beckoning to moi, including Full Figured Fashion Week in July! I shall be posting again soon, once the librium kicks in.

Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

A Farewell To Ebay


It is with a heavy heart that I inform you that I have closed my Ebay store. I still have some listings up, but not for long.

Being an online seller on Ebay has long been an Orwellian nightware: higher fees are better for sellers; not being able to leave feedback for bad buyers is good for business and keeps the marketplace safe; and its most recent move, changing store listings into 30-day listings that cost 400% more and have to be re-upped every month. “Griff”, the friendly, soulless face of Ebay, relentlessly ducks questions as he shills for the company.

Meanwhile, Ebay’s reputation has plummeted. How many times have I been told that Ebay sellers are dishonest? Thieves? Misrepresenters of their product?

Other sellers have told me to move to or I have nothing against these fine sites, but it is time for me to move on to other pursuits. I have a book to write, personal appearances to make, and as always, this blog-thing.

Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

Jesus, a Cheese Sandwich and Moi


I don’t know if it’s Christmas approaching. Maybe not, because it’s not the first time this has happened.

All that I can tell you is, mes lecteurs bien-aimés, that I returned home the other night to hear my maid in the kitchen speaking in tongues.

This is not the usual sound that comes from the kitchen…the usual sounds are dishes breaking and cursing in a foreign language. Bucky was barking wildly. Yours truly had a fairly good idea of who was here.

So your faithful correspondent entered the kitchen, which, to be honest, is relatively unfamiliar territory to moi. And there I found Jesus making himself a cheese sandwich.

Bucky was in the corner, barking, the hair on his back up. Not a good sign. The last thing I needed was for my dog to sink his teeth into Christ’s ankle.

Ever since I said something nasty about people who thought Jesus Christ was on a grilled cheese sandwich that sold on (ugh) Ebay, Jesus started coming around every now and again, helping himself to my larder. And it’s almost inevitably aged diary products.

I drew myself up to my full height (Jesus is several inches shorter than I) and said, “What are you doing here, Jesus?”

“I was hungry,” he replied. It was a little hard to hear him with my maid on the floor ululating, so I pushed her out of the kitchen into the butler’s pantry and shut the door. I also shooed Bucky out of the kitchen. He growled but trotted away down the hall.

Of all the gall, showing up in my kitchen. Freeloaders, even if they are deities, work my last nerve, as the young people say. “You always have several kinds of cheese,” he added. “Tonight it’s sharp cheddar.” The toast popped out of the Dualit Combi toaster, and Jesus dropped it onto a Ming Dynasty plate.

“Do you have any Branston pickle?”

“No.” I sighed in annoyance. I folded my arms. “I have asked you not to barge in here any time you feel like it, Jesus.”

He turned and glared at me. Really, that crown of thorns was most unbecoming. At least this time he was wearing robes instead of only a loincloth. Not that he doesn’t have a nice body, but it is inappropriate anywhere but a swimming pool, in your faithful correspondent’s opinion.

“That’s MISTER Jesus to you,” he snapped. “Besides, didn’t I imprint my face on food for you to sell on Ebay?”

“It was scrambled eggs,” I retorted. “You know they don’t hold together.”

Jesus started rummaging through the cabinets above the stove. “You’re out of Marmite.”

“Why don’t you conjure some from an old packet of yeast, Mister Jesus?”

The maid was still speaking in tongues in the butler’s pantry. It is extremely irritating to listen to, but what can one expect when an uneducated woman encounters Christ in the kitchen? I’ve lost several maids that way.

At least he had made me some lovely built-ins for my office. He’s quite a talented carpenter.

“I don’t believe in God, Mister Holy Trinity, but if I did, I would DEFINITELY send in a complaint. I mean, who died and made you Savior?”

“Our heavenly father, you heathen.”

“Maybe he’s your father, but he certainly isn’t mine. I have a hard enough time coping with your existence–and there are many millions of Muslims who would agree with me. I’m not so sure about the Jews. I’ll have to ask Michael Kors.”

“I’m not getting into this argument with you again,” he said. “Watch it, or I’ll start playing with the space/time continuum. You’ll find yourself pretending to be eleven years old again.”

“Don’t bring my mother into this!” (cf. earlier entries)

“Thanks for the sandwich,” he said sarcastically, and disappeared.

After a few minutes,I yelled for my assistant to come and quiet the maid.

Thank goodness Jesus had left the building.

Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

Ebay Needs A Stimulus Package! Cue Michael Jackson…


Sellers have been crying out and gnashing their teeth at the steady exodus of buyers from (ugh) Ebay. Which also seems to have something to do with the steady increase of large companies (, etc.) being allowed to list on Ebay for free and showcase their wares at the top of smaller seller’s listings. I myself have certainly considered moving on. Although having one’s own e-commerce website is such a bore.

There is a thread on the Vintage Clothing discussion board on (ugh) Ebay that has been quite fascinating to read. Sellers have been venting their frustrations in song parodies, everything from “Mandy” to “My Boyfriend’s Back.”

In honor of Michael Jackson’s recent passing, I thought I would publish (with the seller’s permission) this rewrite of the timeless, currently inescapable classic, “Thriller.”

It’s close to midnight I’m sitting staring at my monitor
The Ebay summary Is showing that no bidding has occurred
I want to scream but nobody can hear my tearful wails
It’s a bad dream, it’s been two weeks since I’ve had any sales
But that entails

Having bidders
Bidders buy
Just push that stupid button it’s a thing that you don’t dare try
Come on you bidders
Bidders buy
I’m fighting for my life because those bidders, bidders don’t buy!

You hear the door slam, your husband’s gone to bed and he is pissed
Because the room’s crammed with crap he wishes never did exist
Now is the time for watchers to get off their lazy asses
But as the time clicks by you know the listings will just end
Cause you depend

On having bidders (woo-hoo)
Bidders buy
Just open Paypal up but it’s a thing that you don’t dare try
I’m begging bidders, bidders buy
So I’ll go down the tubes because those bidders, bidders won’t buy!

Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

Snow In New York City On The First Day of Spring!


This is nothing less than an outrage! I awoke this morning, parted the curtains of my bedroom, to be confronted by a BLIZZARD!

Isn’t this supposed to be Spring? I feel personally offended, mon cher lecteurs, because I have been planning to break out my open-toed shoes, my peep-toe pumps, and my slingbacks. Yes, I have a car and driver so I don’t exactly have to walk that far anywhere, but there is still the risk of stepping into a puddle and ruining my custom-made footwear! (As I have mentioned, I have the misfortune of having size 11ww feet…it goes with being extremely tall.)

Speaking of large feet, you can find these beautiful lilac Thai silk pumps in my (ugh) Ebay store, in size 13M:

And like many of the items in my store, they are 15% off! Have a browse around and take advantage of the savings.

In the meantime, I must rethink my footwear plans. Damn Mother Nature!

Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

Black Friday & The Vintage Blow Out Sale On Ebay


It’s Black Friday, and this week the vintage sellers on (ugh) Ebay are having a Vintage Blow Out Sale. Everything–clothes, jewels, accessories–is on sale for $19.99 or less, mostly less.

I myself have listed some things in my little shop. Do go have a look, won’t you? Remember, it’s cheaper and safer to shop online!

For example, this fascinating estate ceramic earring and brooch set, probably Japanese in origin:

Or this pretty sheer printed rayon 1940s dress with a gathered skirt and large pockets:

Happy shopping! Just type “VBO” into the search subject line and use “ending soonest” in the drop-down menu instead of the diabolical “Best Match”. You’ll be up to your eyes in bargains before you know it.

And if you are looking for a truly MASSIVE bargain, I’m selling over 100 pieces of men’s and women’s vintage clothing and accessories for less than $4.00 a piece. Hard to believe, I know, but there are Oscar de la Rentas, mint condition thigh-high stockings, and men’s suits by Hart, Schaffner & Marx in these lovely brand new cardboard boxes:

Elisa & Bucky The Wonderdog

Soon To Be Listed In The Bodacious House of Style!


As you well know, (ugh) Ebay is not my favorite place on the planet, however, one must make oneself available to as much of the vast, panting public as humanly possible. So here for your delectation is some of the truly dazzling jewelry I shall be listing in the coming week. Some of it is already listed!

Vintage 1950s cats-eye glasses brooch with genuine rhinestones on the ends:

Vintage 1950 high-end rhinestone necklace and large earring set, still in the original box:

Vintage 1960s hippie bohemian “evil eye” bead necklace:

Vintage faux amber necklace:

So do take a look, dahlings!

Elisa & Bucky The Wonderdog

Ebay’s Last Supper…


On the discussion boards of (ugh) Ebay, there has been much lively chatter. One seller asked if Ebay was the antichrist, positing that these are “the end of days.” Another seller provided the following illustration, which I had to share with you. (Please note this is NOT my creation!)

There are quite a few others, but they might be a bit too “in” for reproduction here.

Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

Ebay: Auctioning Off Its Soul

Dahlings –

Before I was able to write more about Project Runway, I felt the need to address the massive changes announced by (ugh) Ebay last week. It is not just that I am outraged. Every August, like clockwork, Ebay comes up with new outrages and higher fees, but these truly take the creme brulee.

Instead of ranting, after careful consideration I decided to take a quieter approach. Comments are welcomed.

Many of these changes have been reported by the national news media, but with quite a few pertinent matters left out or soft-pedaled. Numerous articles focus on Ebay’s de-emphasizing of auctions in the coming months. Part of the problem is that none of these writers have sold on Ebay (something they have in common with Ebay’s staff). But here are a few tid-bits you might like to know.

All sellers pay to sell on Ebay. It is shocking how much of the general public does not know that. From the seller with two key chains to the seller with a store stocked with 300 pieces of baby clothing, they all pay to sell. A seller’s monthly fees can range between $46 to $5K.

Unless you are, in which case, you do not have to pay anything. Not a sou. But,’s listings appear on every page, right under the highly manipulated Search Results.

If you have a store, there is a monthly fee. Even though your store items will not come up in Search Results. They discontinued that practice some time ago. When you list an item for sale, there is a fee (or fees, depending on if you use any of the features that Ebay offers, such as scheduling when your listing begins, or putting a Buy It Now price or Reserve on your auction. You will not get those latter two fees back if you cancel them, by the way).

If you sell your item, you first pay Ebay a Final Value Fee, and if the buyer pays by Paypal, you pay Paypal not only the Final Value Fee on the cost of the item itself, but also on the total, including shipping. (Note that I am not including supplies, staff, or anything that is not germane to this discussion.) So Paypal, which is a subsidiary of Ebay, takes its nibble from your shipping cost as well.

With a disingenuousness that not even a serial killer talking his way into your house could match, Lorrie Norrington made a happy announcement of all the wonderful changes that would make our lives so much easier and their profits so much higher:

Lower Fixed Item listing fees…however, they neglected to mention until much later in the announcement that there would be up a 300% increase in Ebay Final Value Fees, thereby wiping out any possible profit.

Electronic Checkout Only…by who else, our old friend Paypal. Oh, and a company with a very close relationship with Paypal via West Fargo, Propay. American currencies such as checks or money orders are no longer considered “safe.” For the sellers who have not accepted Paypal until now, or the hundreds of sellers who get a considerable portion of their income from paper currency, this is more than a substantial blow. Not to mention a blow to those buyers who, for whatever reasons, do not have credit cards. One imagines Debtors Anonymous will be encouraging its members to leave Ebay en masse. Antitrust complaints to state and local Attorney General’s offices are apparently pouring in.

Fixed Shipping Costs. Sellers can now be penalized (even lose their stores) if buyers feel their shipping costs are too high. This, even if the seller is only charging the ACTUAL cost of shipping. From the Ebay new Shipping Limits FAQ:

Q: Why are you setting limits on shipping charges lower than my actual costs to ship?

A: We based our maximum shipping & handling charges on recent transaction data of what sellers are charging and what buyers have told us is reasonable. We know that what buyers consider to be reasonable will be less than sellers’ actual costs in some cases. We believe that by offering buyers at least one shipping option that they deem reasonable, sellers will increase their overall sales and conversion.

Pardonnez moi. I had to leave the room and shriek a few times.

Buyers are told that leaving four star ratings are “good,” but sellers are told that anything under four and a half stars could risk the seller losing everything; their store, their account, everything. Your faithful correspondent cannot even begin to quote the answers that “Griff,” the avuncular lapdog for Ebay, gives to the question: “how can four stars be both good and bad at the same time?” Suffice to say I needed a stiff drink after reading it, and it still didn’t make any sense.

By “lapdog,” of course, I mean no disrespect to my beloved miniature pinscher, Bucky. That little darling would make short work of Ebay CEO John Donahoe’s ankles. In my own listings I do my best to explain this little bit of corporate doublespeak to my potential buyers.

Ebay operates as a great sucking void into which sellers throw their money. Somehow, the fact that Ebay sellers are actually CUSTOMERS of Ebay got lost somewhere around 2005. Ebay loves to talk about “improving the buyer experience.” But when they try to say anything about “improving the seller experience,” the sheer magnitude of their lies renders them incapable of making anything other than gurgling noises.

Discontented sellers are told to move elsewhere, and many are. Some moan and complain that those other sites don’t have the Web presence of the Evil Empire. However, one must remember that it took Ebay fourteen years to become Ebay.

But at this rate, it will take less than a year for Ebay to become Edsel.


Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog