Forgive my long absence! An emergency arose and I had to deal with it. Do not worry, John Cusack will be fine ere long, but I am not so sure about Patricia Arquette.
In any event, a blog-thing such as mine is “content-driven” and I haven’t had the time to create “content.” However, a person who had emailed me prior to this connected me with his very odd project–a series of what he calls “bacon portraits” of the entire cast of House MD. His slogan is, “Everything is better with bacon!”
So in the spirit of pork-lovers and Huddy shippers everywhere, I present to you a work by a person who only wishes to be known as “WJ”:
HOUSE AND CUDDY: A LOVE STORY WITH BACON
Because everything is better with bacon!
One fateful day, Cuddy couldn’t help noticing (and wanting) House’s huge pizza bacon burger sandwich.
Cuddy: “That is amazing. It would give heart attacks to the entire cardiac unit.”
House: “I bet you never knew I had so much meat, Cuddy.”
But it was true. She couldn’t stop thinking about House, or the bacon, or how juicy both House and his sandwich looked. But how to get House to jump her without arousing his suspicions? She only wanted to arouse House.
House’s meat continued to haunt her…so she asked him to help her with a terrible rash, which could only be cured by being “rubbed with bacon grease.” House thought it was kind of weird. Even he had never heard of such a rash. And he knew every single disease in the universe and beyond! But hey, he could get a look at Cuddy’s a**.
So he brought a big wad of raw bacon to her office and rubbed away. It’s a toss-up as to which one enjoyed it more.
Now Cuddy’s *ss was haunting House’s thoughts. Not knowing that Cuddy was coveting his meat, House went to Wilson for advice.
Wilson: “Do you want a relationship or to get into her panties?”
House: “Either one will do. Short-term, panties.”
Wilson: “You need to make a romantic gesture, House. And don’t give her a sweater. That’s what I gave my third wife for Christmas, and we all know how that turned out.”
So, House thought long and hard about a suitable romantic gesture. Then he had an epiphany. She’d asked to be rubbed down with bacon grease. That meant that somehow, deep in her cerebral cortex, Cuddy knew she needed bacon. STAT!
The next day, he presented Cuddy with a huge bouquet of the good stuff! From the deep South, no less!
But remembering that he’d hallucinated a night of passion with her just months before, House started wondering if this was even real. He could smell Cuddy’s perfume, he could smell the bacon, but what was real and what was not? What was the meaning of life? Why was 13 coming back to the show and not Taub? What if Wilson threw him out? Maybe this wasn’t happening at all, he was sitting in his office playing with his giant tennis ball…It proved too much for House, and he collapsed.
House came to with Cuddy tenderly holding a piece of bacon to revive him, while Wilson watched jealously.
Wilson (thought): “House never gave me a bacon bouquet. Just a dumb brisket corsage. And that was when he was drunk.”
Cuddy: “House, are you all right?”
House: “What–what happened to the bacon?”
Cuddy: “While you were unconscious, I ran to the staff lounge and put it in the refrigerator. I–I couldn’t risk letting it spoil.”
House: “Bacon doesn’t spoil, Cuddy. If you weren’t Jewish you’d know that.”
Cuddy: (wishing Wilson would stop glaring at them and get of there already) “House–House, this isn’t easy for me to say. Wilson, could you excuse us?”
Wilson: “Just until I know that House is okay.”
Cuddy: (with a look at Wilson) “House, I want you to teach me about bacon. In fact, I want you to be my meat guide, to show me the wonders of being a true carnivore. I know it’s going to feel so good.”
House: “We’d better get out of here and get that bouquet, before Chase eats it.”
And so, that night, Cuddy and House shared their bacon…and oh, so much more.
And they lived happily ever (or at least for about two weeks)…BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS BETTER WITH BACON! EVEN HUDDY!
Thank you, “WJ”, for a truly strange experience. And thank you, mon cher readers, I do hope you enjoyed this, er, bizarre creation as much as moi.
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog