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Anti-Social Media: Cross-Platforming of Annoyance

DAHLINGS –

Warning: what follows is personal, trivial and may not be interesting. But this is my blog-thing and I write what I choose. You want deep intellectual discussion, read Malcolm Gladwell.

Among the things that social media has changed forever (besides the continual invasion of privacy and being exposed to your acquaintances’ favorite brand of waffles) is the separation of church and state. Bad metaphor, désolé.

Your faithful correspondent knows that every word one puts on the Internet is there FOREVER. But in olden times, one could deceive oneself with the idea that one’s emails, etc. were private. That if one was on a chatboard, any disagreements would stay on the chatboard, non?

I shall address my own experience, as a person who is on Twitter, Facebook, Live Journal, and several discussion boards. And most important, my blog-thing. Now, not only can I receive comments on here calling me a “chienne persistante,” it can resonate through any variety of social media “platforms.” It creates, in effect, anti-social media.

Be patient with me about this, mes lecteurs merveilleux, and I will try to make it all make sense. There are discussion boards about one of my main obsessions, which shall remain nameless.

The main discussion board has been in existence for some time. Many of the members have been there since dinosaurs roamed the earth. Many are intelligent, articulate, and well-read. But there is a slight catch: not only do they feel they OWN the topic, they have strong opinions. Opinions that are not to be trifled with. Opinions that are NOT to be disagreed with, unless you want to bring down the wrath of dozens of crazies obsédants. Which this writer seems to have a unique talent for doing.

Now, why bother us with this, you ask? Because many of these same people are on Live Journal, under different IDs. So one risks offending them in an entirely new arena without knowing who they are.

One person who particularly detests your epistler dévoué left some lovely comments on this blog. Later, she maintained she would NEVER have left those comments had she known it was moi.

But it is on Twitter where the whole kerfuffle becomes most distateful.

Let’s see if I can lay this out properly: quite a few people from the discussion boards, Live Journal, whatever, are on Twitter. All of these environments come together in what can become a giant…oh, dear, I simply cannot bring myself to use the correct vulgarity. Let’s say many people having sex at the same time; draw your own conclusions.

It is ludicrously easy to find out other people’s opinions of one, because NOTHING is private on Twitter. It is one thing to be insulted to one’s virtual face; it is quite another to be talked about behind one’s virtual back. Where one can READ it. I will not quote any of the various insults. Because not only are they out of context, they are ridiculously petty. The malefactors know who they are.

Another problem with Twitter “cross-platforming” with all of these other applications is that people can rap you on the virtual knuckles when they feel your tweets are, um, inappropriate. I will NEVER apologize for being inappropriate! Unfollow me, please.

I will not apologize for being “obnoxious,” I will not apologize for “acting like something is wrong” with moi, and I REFUSE to apologize for my opinions to people whose opinions I simply do not respect. I have done that already, and it has been to no avail. (If you knew how rarely I apologize, you would know why this is so irritating. If I’m going to betray myself, the least I can expect back is less hostility.)

If you have something to say to me, please say it in the comments. If you have had a similar experience, please say it in the comments. (Try not to use the phrases “fuck-tard” or “you’re a fat moron.” Those have been a tad overused.)

Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

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The Obligatory Twitter Post (Special Guest Star: Jesus)

DAHLINGS –

In today’s faster-than-fast world, emails have been replaced by Facebook messages have been replaced by Twitter. In which you have 140 characters to say your piece. Not 140 words, 140 characters.

There is actually a fine art to writing on Twitter, at least if it’s something more interesting than “I made the most yummy beef stew!” One must craft even the most mundane of statements. Since my writing tends toward the, shall we say, ornate, this has been an onerous task. But challenges are my chocolate covered cherries! (In actuality, I despise chocolate covered cherries, but ‘eclairs’ doesn’t have the same zip.)

So, in the spirit of what every else is doing these days, here is a selection of my tweets over the past two days!

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Until they make tampons out of pure spun silk, menses and elegance do not mix.

So, Lindsay Lohan is fired from playing a porn star but is considered a good bet for “DWTS”? I’m not sure which job has less class.

The news that nude photos of Christina Aguilera have been leaked…am I somehow supposed to care? Aren’t there enough of them already?

Wondering if I should do a #FF list of people who can’t stand me? You know who you are, but you’re not following me so you won’t see it.

****************************************

(The following are the tale of my evening with Jesus, when my chef took the day off and I was forced to fend for myself. )

Good night, lovely Twitter-followers.At least the maid will make me coffee & bring me a croissant tomorrow morning.Pray for me. #chefsdayoff

With my chef taking the day off (the swine), I managed coffee, a croissant and peach preserves brought by the maid. #chefsdayoff

#chefsdayoff For lunch, delivery from Blue Hill. (Yes, if you pay enough) Chicken with Tuscan kale and homemade pasta. Tonight…?

#chefsdayoff BAD start to the evening. Jesus showed up, wanting a cheese sandwich. I told him to make us both BLTs if he wanted them

So Jesus has a hissy fit because he doesn’t want a BLT, he wants grilled cheese made with Swiss cheese and I don’t have any…

I tell Jesus to go to the store if he wants Swiss cheese so much, he says, “I don’t have any POCKETS, you heathen!” Le sigh…

After sulking, he agreed to make grilled cheddar and tomato sandwiches. Jesus is a pretty decent diner-style cook. Unexpected.

The sandwiches were quite good. But Jesus had gotten into the cooking wine (he is NEVER getting the key to the wine cellar)…

So he’s getting drunk on cooking sherry and starts arguing w me abt. my atheism. Jesus keeps yelling at God for a miracle,…

…but does God perform one? No, unless you consider Jesus chugging an entire bottle of cooking sherry w/o gagging a miracle.

Fortunately I had coffee ice cream in the freezer (Jesus LOVES coffee ice cream). Gave him a big dish and he gave me a…

…big goofy smile. There’s something about Jesus drunk, especially when he’s got the crown of thorns on–I must get a picture.

In any event, he’s already dozing on the divan, and it’s not even 8pm. At least if he expects breakfast my chef will be back!

Don’t worry, I have never slept with Jesus, nor do I intend to.He’s far too promiscuous. All those “Jesus loves me” songs, n’cest pas?

Good morning, lovely Twitter-followers! As predicted, Jesus was hungover & cranky this morning. Serves him right, chugging cooking sherry.

#AnnoyingJesus Thank God my chef is back, who served him coddled eggs and a Bloody Mary. Jesus has left my building. Thank goodness.

And there you have a selection of my tweets. Feel free to follow me on Twitter! I promise, Jesus rarely shows up. I really should contact my dear dead friend Lana Turner. It’s been far too long.

Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

5 Reasons Twitter Can Drive You INSANE!

DAHLINGS –

As many of you know, I am a formidable presence on Twitter. It is a delightful way to make friends and intimidate people. Millions of people tweet on every single topic under the sun. If I have to explain what Twitter is and how it works, just skip this entry. It will only give you a headache.

HOWEVER, there are certain aspects of Twitter than can drive one to take an axe to one’s monitor.

1) Inspirational quotes. WHY, in God’s name, do celebrities, in particular, feel they have to tweet dozens of inspirational quotes instead of…oh…anything? Elizabeth Taylor tweeted 2,000 inspirational quotes in two days!! You’re a goddamned celebrity! Tell us about your house, your wardrobe, who you’re having sex with! Anything but another tweet from @RevRunWisdom!

2) Retweeting inspirational quotes to your followers. It’s nice if “Aspire higher than your dreams” makes you feel all warm and fuzzy, but it annoys the living hell out of moi. And if I get that freaking Eleanor Roosevelt quote one more time…

3) Roger Ebert. I swear, the man tweets EVERY TEN SECONDS! When does he have time to get anything done??? With links, yet!

4) Hashtags like #thingsuglypeopledo or #youknowyougotnodickwhen. This idiocy often ends up as a “trending topic”.

5) Bots. Use Jesus in a tweet, you get Bible bots. Mention music in a tweet, you get music bots. (I like the porn bots, at least.) Oh, and when I ranted about inspirational quotes on Twitter itself, MY FOLLOWERS LIST GOT FLOODED WITH QUOTE BOTS!

I’m sure I’ll think of other things–when next I am on Twitter.

Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

Jessica Gottlieb Can Dish It Out, But She Can’t Take It

DAHLINGS –

My idle reference to bitch-slapping Jessica Gottlieb has gotten the “Mommy Blogger” (whatever that is) into quite a stew! The reference was due to her recent blogpost, “Fat Acceptance Is Bullshit.” Need I say more? (I refrain from such vulgar language–it is a barrier to intelligent discourse. Of course “bitch-slapping” is rather declasse’, but I was fatigued.)

It’s worth it to go on Twitter to see her foaming at the mouth over little old moi. I’m quite flattered, really. Ms. Gottlieb not only called me a variety of names, she even posted a link to my last blog post so that people could bear witness to what “the troll” wrote about her. Even if it was only a passing reference in my blog post devoted to PETA. Apparently, she’s that important.

In her post, Ms. Gottlieb wrote:

I’m tired of hearing people equating obesity with race, hence the discrimination.
I can’t carry my 7 year old on my back all day long and still have a good quality day. He’s 50 pounds or so. Many of you “fat acceptance” bloggers have lots more than 50 pounds on you. Stop pretending it’s okay. You are dying and some of you are killing your kids. That has me irate.
It’s got to suck to be morbidly obese. I can’t imagine laboring to get out of bed, oh, wait I can, you see I was HUGE when I was pregnant. It’s not a way to live your life.

…fat acceptance is kinda like cancer acceptance. You’re killing yourself and you sound like an asshole when you talk about it.

from: “Fat Acceptance Is Bullshit” at http://jessicagottlieb.com**

And then she’s surprised when a plus-sized person takes offense?? Methinks she doth protest too much. In a previous post she admitted she’s not a size 4, that she’s a curvy woman with some “goo,” whatever that means. For “goo,” read “serious body issues.”

It’s ridiculous to have to write this, but here we go: I believe in limiting the consumption of fat and sugar for children. I do not eat fast food. I do not believe in gastric bypasses for teenagers, any more than I believe in breast implants for those too young to vote. However, like any normal person, I take great pleasure in eating delicious well-prepared healthy food (and the occasionally unhealthy food). And I love my body. It’s strong, it works well, and it certainly has an excellent capacity for sexual enjoyment.

Ms. Gottlieb has indicated on her blog that I am a coward and a bully, and that until I apologize, she has nothing but contempt for me. Since she already has contempt for my body, she might as well have contempt for my point of view. Personally, I’m flattered my opinion means so much to her.

Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky The Wonderdog

** Edited to Add: Ms. Gottlieb tweeted that I cut and pasted without attribution. I’m beginning to believe this woman has a serious problem. Doesn’t she have better things to do with her time, like, say, making sport of blind people?

More On Twitter & My Plans For World Domination

DAHLINGS –

This will have to be short, as I am preparing to go out to a dinner party in Southampton.

However, I am still taking suggestions on my plans for world domination. Of course further plans include:

1) Find a cure for cancer (again, any well-informed World Leader has to pledge that)

2) Making it a rule of law that ALL clothing manufacturers and designers–and I do mean ALL–have to provide their clothing in sizes up to 7X! Yes, I’m looking at you, Banana Republic.

Must dash! Please do follow me on Twitter, help my plans for world domination, and remember, BIG GALS RULE!

Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

Twitter & My Plans for World Domination (Including Sham-Wow)

DAHLINGS –

I confess. I have become rather a fan of Twitter, if not of most of its users. Do I really need to know someone feels bad because they broke their diet because they ate some gnocchi? At first, the 140 character length left something to be desired. Such as intelligence. But soon I learned that brevity is levity when one works on it. And now, through sheer grit and determination, I have as of today 306 followers!

My initial goal was 300 followers, but I want at least 1,000, so that I may plot my plan for world domination. Or at least the domination of a part of the world. Here are some of my promises if I become a World Leader:

1) World peace, because you have to say that first.

2) Recast all of the situation comedies on television that have fat men married to beautiful women, so that fat women are married to handsome young studs. Because, my dear readers, that is how it is in real life far more than you think.

3) Force-feed Megan Fox pastries as if we were stuffing a goose for foie gras. In fact, stuff Ms. Fox with foie gras as well.

4) Ban all diets except those medically mandated. Destroy any and all height/weight charts. Ban all stock footage of heavy people’s midsections used for news footage about obesity.

5) Ban Photoshop on advertising. In fact, perhaps we should ban advertising. (Comments are welcome on this one, dahlings. After all, I would be a most open World Leader.)

6) Legalize same-sex marriage. But I do not care how devoted it is, you cannot marry your dog, cow or parakeet.

7) Ban informercials for colon cleansing, exercise machines, and…oh, let’s simply ban all infomercials. (Comments are welcome if you have a “thing” for the Sham-wow gentleman.)

8) This is going to get a bit complicated, so bear with me:

  • Bring women’s salaries to the same level as men’s
  • Allow women of any country to wear what they want
  • Allow women of any country to attain any level of education they want
  • Allow women of any country to aspire to any political position they want

9) Any suggestions? Please do leave your comments.

If you agree with my plans, please do follow me on Twitter. Together we stand, divided it’s just the same old mess it’s always been.

Ciao,

Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog