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The 2010 Grammy Awards – My Worst Dressed

DAHLINGS –

There was simply so much to choose from at the 2010 Grammy Awards, even allowing for the greater freedom and creativity in dress that such an occasion affords. Here, in no particular order, are my Worst Dressed.

I cannot decide which is less flattering, the front or the back of Rihanna’s Elie Saab dress. Not only does the top look like a feather pillowcase exploded in the singer’s vicinity, but the below-the-waist draping says, “Could my hips and butt look any larger? And my head look any tinier? I don’t think so.” There was no photo of the draping in the back, but these photos should suffice:

If that were not bad enough, Rihanna wore this, er, explosion of color at another point in the evening. Somehow those huge puffs remind me of children playing with colored tissue paper in random manner:

Katy Perry claimed she was channeling Betty Page that evening, but Betty would have second thoughts about wearing this dress. This also looks like a child’s do-it-yourself project, with stuck-on glitter flowers on it. Also, one gets tired of women wearing Ms. Page’s signature hairdo. There must be some other iconic pin-up out there we simply haven’t gotten to yet!

And later on, Ms. Perry put her breast foot forward with this mismatched gown:

What can one say about Ke$ha? Well, I can say I have no idea who she is, but she looks more stoned than Amy Winehouse. And that, my dears, is an accomplishment! She probably bought her dress at Ricky’s costume department, and the gold makeup does not a hangover hide.

Even though I adored Lady Gaga’s red carpet look, I thought at first this was Marilyn Manson’s big comeback. Not only that, this is the first time I’ve seen three camel toes.

Not to be mean spirited, but Jennifer Lopez’s strange Versace dress looks like she collided with cheap white plastic fencing at Home Depot while wearing a metallic mini:

(Oh, dear, now I sound like that Little Blond Man in the black sequined disco jacket and jeans…as if he had any business telling someone else how to dress. But he is slightly more tasteful than the Bride of Riverstein.)

Now, I have mixed feelings about criticizing this woman who apparently calls herself Snooki. On the one hand, she is on one of the worst shows on television, Jersey Shore. I wanted to gouge my eyes out after fifteen minutes. Thank God I summer in the Hamptons.

On the other hand, this cheap little dress does celebrate her curves, even with those strange booties. But, cheapness overcomes overweaning self-love. Sorry, Snooki.

Beyonce wore her usual silhouette, this time awkwardly constructed, with boxy shoulders and in an unflattering color.

Ashanti achieved the feat of wearing two dresses at once.

As did Kristine Elazaj.

And Celine (gack) Dion proves that yes, it is possible to have a dress made almost entirely of eye crud.

Britney Spears…ah, poor Britney. Bad enough the press won’t leave her alone, but she didn’t have time to dress. So she threw a large piece of mosquito netting over a black bathing suit. Hope it wasn’t too awkward when she had to go to the ladies room.

Inspired, Ciara decided to wear a more upscale version of this look, with every single piece of black trim they carry at Project Runway’s Mood Fabrics:

There to shill her latest rom-com was Kristen Bell, who was nearly strangled by her dress whenever she stumbled.

Zombie Nicole Kidman was there, in black as befits the undead. However, it wasn’t bad enough to get her on either list. She arrived with husband Keith Urban, who looked terrified that his bride would try to eat his brains. He tried to steer Nicole toward Ryan Seacrest, but Mr. Seacrest saw it coming and was wearing a wreath of garlic.

Finally, I do not know who this Janet Jackson lookalike is, but she had to make the list in this dress that looks like a crumpled gray paper bag.

Feel free to make comments, but do remember that I am always right.

Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

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2010 SAG Awards: The Worst Dressed

DAHLINGS –

First, my absolute top of the list:

The entire female cast of Nine! Together, they look like a fabric catfight. Separately isn’t so good, either. For instance, zombie Nicole Kidman:

At a distance it looks like an ugly peasant dress, but upon closer examination, it is an ugly peasant dress covered with sequins. Hair collides with Bob Mackie. And Kate Hudsonwhy this obsession with white?

From the front, she looks like a large bar of white chocolate. Simultaneously, she looks as though she never touches white chocolate, or anything remotely calorific. This dress gives me a severe case of cognitive dissonance. (Look it up.)

Speaking of Kate Hudson, one suspects Paula Patton stole Hudson’s dress from the Golden Globes (I hope Ms. Patton got the blood off the dress from the man’s severed hand, cf. an earlier entry):

Ordinarily I applaud women who display their curves. I fervently hope that Patricia Arquette’s gown is vintage 1970s, otherwise…well…although who in their right mind would wear vintage 1970s?

Anna Paquin’s dress would have made my “Breast Foot Forward” list if I had one this go-round. But I do not, so I’ll simply say it looks like a leftover from Snakes On A Plane. (Note tasteful placement of cobra head.)

Heidi Klum* would undoubtedly say that Mariska Hargitay’s dress seems to be “pooping fabric,” to use one of Ms. Klum’s favorite terms. Combine that with the unflattering hot pink, and you get this:

Sandra Bullock channels Jean-Luc Picard from Star Trek in this, er, rather strange selection. When she recieved her award, Ms. Bullock nobly tried to move her face, but to no avail.

Dianna Agron did not want to carry a clutch. So she kept a lipstick and some low-cal snacks in a handy pouch hanging off her cleavage:

Finally, I had not thought that Toni Collette could top that mass of sequins she wore to the Golden Globes, but voila! Words fail me (just imagine some gargling noises, dear readers).

* My apologies for not writing about Project Runway yet. Busy, busy!

As always, feel free to leave your comments. But bear in mind, I am always right.

Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

The Golden Globes 2010: MY Worst Dressed

DAHLINGS –

Sorry this entry is late. But I’ve been out of my mind with preparations for New York Fashion Week.

However, I was absolutely driven to finish by having the misfortune of happening across a program on E! hosted by the Bride of Riverstein, Bobblehead Girl, Reality Show Slut and Strange Little Blonde Man. Perhaps that may seem harsh, but the way they tore into any unfortunate celebrity who did not wear what they thought proper was simply–words fail one. (You will find most of them on my Dullest Dressed List.) Particularly because Bobblehead Girl was wearing a garish gold minidress with some sort of shoulder-thing that threatened to lop off her head if she turned sideways. As for what the Bride of Riverstein was wearing: silence.

Now, on to your faithful correspondent’s Worst Dressed List.

BREAST FOOT FORWARD

First, there is nothing inherently wrong with this dull blue gown, but the buckling at the waist and the dire lack of a foundation garment makes it apparent a wardrobe malfunction is about to happen to Alicja Bachelda.

Speaking of lack of foundation garments, Heidi Klum, of all people, needs a brassiere. Since she so often scolds Project Runway contestants for not putting bras on their models, it seems strange that she decided to go without. Otherwise, it’s a perfectly nice dress by Roberto Cavalli.

And again speaking of lack of foundations, why did Halle Berry forget to put a gown on over her slip?

Not to be outdone, Mariah Carey, who looked so lovely at the People’s Choice Awards, decided to be the punchline of one million “Golden Globes” jokes with this, er, little number, accessoried by an oiled spray-on tan:

Speaking of bosom overkill, Annalynne McCord’s dress not only looks like it is feeling her up, one wouldn’t be surprised if those things on the top vibrated when you pressed the right button. (Something to do when the GG’s get slow…a self-pleasuring dress.)



“Oh my God, this feels so good.”

Photo courtesy of Just Jared

(One supposes one should be grateful that there were female celebrities with breasts there, in any case.)

WHEN THE DRESS WEARS YOU

Kate Hudson decided to wear a bridal gown with very sharp edges. There are rumors she cut off a man’s hand while making her way down the red carpet. For some reason when I look at this dress, I think “chassis.” And not in a good way.

On the other scale was the widow Jones, who is in deep mourning in Lanvin, although I am not sure for what.

Chloe Sevigny looks as though she was about to be eaten alive by her rose colored Valentino gown, or like a little girl poking her head through a ladies’ dress rack. Take your pick. I’m inclined to the first choice, if only for the image of screams after the ceremony and the dress lying flat on the ground, Chloe nowhere to be seen.


“I’m not sure, but I think this thing is moving.”

FOLIE AUX DRESS

Julia Roberts was a stand-out for all the wrong reasons. She made many Worst Dressed lists by seeming as if she had just run out of the house without changing her clothes. I hate to be one of the pack, but sometimes…

Elizabeth Moss usually looks lovely at award events, so what is one to make of this washed out, ill-fitting dress? And why won’t she pull up her straps?

This dress was widely admired, but watching Toni Collette go to the stage to accept her Best Actress award, it seemed to weigh more than she did, and drags down her beautiful (if thin) figure with its heft.

Anna Paquin’s choice was not only garish (particularly up close), but almost made it into the Breast Foot Forward category.

Cameron Diaz has two strikes against her: a strangley immobile, mask-like face and a dress that, when she was onstage, made me think, “cowl cleavage.”

Last but hardly least, zombie Nicole Kidman was momentarily enticed from looking for brains to eat for a photo op. Her Nina Ricci dress overwhelms her sticklike figure, as would anything else.

Me want brains. Paparazzi…so many tasty brains…”

There were any number of pretty, perfectly satisfactory dresses worn by Diane Kruger, Olivia Wilde, and others, but I think I have written enough about the Golden Globes for now. Feel free to comment, but I would prefer if you did not do so anonymously. Have the courage of your convictions. And remember, I am always right.

Ciao,

Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

People’s Choice Award: The Worst Dressed

DAHLINGS –

As I mentioned in my previous post, my choices for Best and Worst were hampered by the sameness of the dresses, particularly the plethora of one-shouldered gowns. However, your faithful correspondent will not let her readers down. Here, in no particular order, are my Worst Dressed.

THE WORST DRESS OF THE NIGHT

One star’s outfit leapt out at me. It is amazing that Carrie Underwood managed to find a dress made entirely of chicken wire:

“OUCH, y’all.”

And that strange bustle-thing; did it hurt to sit on? I only hope she wasn’t badly scratched by evening’s end.

FOR GOD’S SAKE, FEED ME A SANDWICH!

There was the usual swarm of hideously gaunt actresses, their fleshless arms and legs exposed by teeny frocks.
First, we have Taylor Swift (who apparently plays major league basketball in her spare time, minus the steroids):
Jessica Alba looks as though nothing but vitamin water has passed her lips for the past six months. This dress was criticized on another site for making Ms. Alba’s hips look big…er, big, if you’re a praying mantis.
Diane Kruger is disturbing in Herve Leger:

Even a sorry attempt at pouf doesn’t make Dana Ramirez look any more female:

SPECIAL NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD AWARD
…goes to Nicole Kidman. Her pallor, skeletal appearance and immobile face (not to mention the flat, lustreless hair) suggest that she died last week, but was specially resurrected to attend this ceremony. I do hope they sprayed her with a great deal of Chanel #5 to conceal the odor of decay.
“I need brains. Braaaains…”
FOLIE AUX DRESS
Whoever this young woman is, she may consider firing her stylist. The oversized, draped top is trying to be 80s and, unfortunately, succeeding. And pumpkin orange is not the new black.
One supposes we should be celebrating Hayley Williams’s individuality, for her dress is neither one-shouldered nor draped. However it looks as though she is being attacked by a swarm of huge moths. Her stylist also might have suggested that orange is not the new black when it comes to hair, either.
“This is tasty wool!”
This couple looks as glum as their outfits:
She: “Are we having fun yet?”
He: “No.”

Finally, we have Sandra Bullock. Not only is her dress a color that washes her out, it is strangely constructed. It rather looks like the fabric was thrown at her and then basted where it landed. Fortunately, her recent box office successes have made Ms. Bullock able to afford a staggering amount of plastic surgery, leaving her face a waxen mask.
As I wrote before, this is my list, and feel free to leave your comments. But bear in mind that I am always right.
Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

Project Runway’s All Star Challenge: Keeping Chris March Awake

DAHLINGS —

I am still reeling from three solid hours of Project Runway. (Models Of The Runway held no interest for me, sorry.) My viewing party was a smashing success, not at least because I had the bartender put double shots in the mojitos. After The Fashion Show, it was good to watch interesting people who know what they are doing. Competence is the new black.

Because my weekend schedule is ridiculously busy and I don’t trust my assistant to type this up properly from my notes, I shall have to dictate this blog-thing in sections over the weekend. My deepest apologies; one would have liked to go at it all in one big bash.

The All-Star Challenge was so reassuring. Not because of the designers, but because it took place in NEW YORK! There were Tim Gunn and a massively pregnant Heidi Klum (will she ever stop reproducing?) on the roof with champagne, there was our beloved Mood Fabrics in the Garment District, and the overwhelming amount of product placement. At one point in the program, two of the male designers were sitting on their beds with large piles of bright green Garnier products in front of them. We never did find out why. Lotion, perhaps?

The Bluefly.com Accessory Wall is now the Macy’s Accessory Wall. I have no idea if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Dear Darling Mama used to take moi to Macy’s as a wee one.

However, it was annoying that various Lifetime personalities kept appearing during the breaks in essence to announce, “You’re watching Lifetime! Ha hah! We won! We got Project Runway! Bite me, Bravo!” And there was a large lump in the lower right hand of the screen, counting down the minutes to the official season premiere. I’m not sure why this seemed so deeply insulting, but I do know how to tell time.

The website reads, “Eight of your favorite designers,” which actually means, “Many were asked, few accepted.” Laura Bennet and Christian Siriano, for example, declined to appear. But it did not matter to moi. My beloved Chris March was there, and Santino Rice in all his alienating egomaniacal madness. And how wonderful to see Korto Momolu, whom I had the immense pleasure of meeting during last February’s Fashion Week.

Neckthing, aka Jeffrey Sebalia, now has a mustache ala Sam Elliot in a Hallmark Western TV-movie, and has become an untalented musician in his spare time. (His girlfriend makes Patty Smith sound melodic.)

The prize was $100,000 in cash. One could hear the saliva hitting the floor when the prize was announced. It was presented as a “multilayered challenge,” which sounded rather like Amway. Or Isagenics. The designers had to create three looks in record time, including a runway dress for Nicole Kidman to wear to the premiere of her new movie “Nine.”

It was extremely cheap for a show with such an unlimited budget to show Ms. Kidman on tape rather than live. One can report that her face is still strangely frozen, which makes her smile rather frightening.

At Mood and in the workroom, Uli Herzner and Sweet P made the unfortunate discovery that they were separated at birth. Same fabric choices, same taste, the only significant difference was Uli’s pronounced lack of tattoos. Throughout the show, Uli kept trying to vaporize Sweet P with her laser-like glare, but it didn’t work. Santino laughed incessantly (and loudly), trash-talked the other contestants, and in general behaved like the man you love to hate. And he knows it.

Chris March’s workroom look was stunning, a 40’s inspired plaid jacket with a huge square collar. Tim loved what Chris was doing, as did I. Although throughout the show, including during the model casting, Chris kept falling asleep. This is worrisome. Does he have sleep apnea? It was presented humorously, but I can’t help being concerned. If you’re reading this, my dear Chris March, do see a doctor!

(It could have been narcolepsy, but he wasn’t watching The Fashion Show.)
More later, dear readers –
Ciao,

Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

More on the Oscar’s lack of style

DAHLINGS –

Most of the critics are complaining that the dresses were too “safe.” It’s been that way for years, lookalike long stately Grace Kelly gowns, dull, dull, dull. That is why I am almost grateful for those who are willing to look totally awful.

Take for example Tilda Swinton. With no makeup and an huge one-armed dress made out of a black satin bedsheet that she must have bought at a 99 cent store, she certainly stood out. In fact, she reminded me strongly of those all-white mannequins you see in the shops, the faceless kind.

Then we have this strange man on the red carpet wearing an enormous John Travolta mask. I wonder who he is?

And once again, Nicole Kidman lets us down, in a shapeless black dress and a messy diamond necklace that looks like a chandelier dropped on her head en route to the podium.

You actually cannot get the full effect from this photo, but trust me on this one.

Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

Oscar Night, continued…

(Note: this is being transcribed by me, Miss DeCarlo’s personal assistant, from the notes she’s sending me, so please forgive any discontinuity. Please, or she’ll be so mad, and I need this job.)

Dahlings –

I have arrived at the Spotted Pig for the New York magazine party, and there is not much doing. There’s Mark Green in the corner, chatting up the ever-hilarious Andy Borowitz. This is a very dressed-down crowd. Hmmph. Off to find the television monitor and a cocktail…I can make my own fun.

Oh, my darling friend Andre Leon Talley is on! But WHAT is that thing he has got Jennifer Hudson wearing? That–that reptilian jacket thing! The dress is a lovely draped Oscar de la Renta brown dress on a lovely brown woman, but off with that jacket! Andre, dahling, what were you THINKING? We have to have a serious chat before you come to “Haute Cou-Poor” to give your lecture on “How Much Is Too Much: The Aesthetics of Bling.”

Finally, the show is beginning…I was in fear that Mark Green would want to talk to me about the environment.

What is that Ellen DeGeneres is wearing? My guess she still wishes Johnny Carson were hosting the show, because she is wearing one of his old outfits, right down to the white shoes.

Oh, dear, she is dull. Get off, dear.

What was that musical interlude about? A gospel choir marches offstage and nothing happens? Conan, where are you when we need you?

Oh good Lord, there’s Nicole in that hideous red Balenciaga thing, even worse from a distance. She simply cannot move her face! This is beyond Botox, dahlings, a surgeon must have cut a nerve. I need another cocktail. Perhaps a mojito this time.

JACK NICHOLSONthe man has shaved his head! It looks like a huge pale basketball! It’s as big as Ted Kennedy’s, without the hair! I can’t help but think of Daddy Warbucks. Jack, Jack, has your famous cool finally deserted you?

PILOBULOUS? Weren’t they something you inflicted on your children back in the 1960s in the name of arts and education? Wonderful. Shadow puppets. Something tells me Ellen thought of them. Happy childhood memories and all that. Cheery people annoy me. At least the rest of the crowd in the restaurant is hooting derisively as well.

I need to be with other fabulous people. Back to the limousine…