House Review: 8×17 "We Need The Eggs" Is Rotten


Ladies and gentlemen, we might have a winner in the race for the worst script for House before the show leaves the airwaves for good. Sarah Hess and Liz Friedman had a strong lead with “Man Of The House.” It was neck and neck with “Gut Check,” written by David Hoselton and Jamie Conway.

But leading the pack by a length as we go around the home stretch is “We Need The Eggs,” written by Sarah Hess and Peter Blake.

Imagine you have a friend-of-a-friend, an obnoxious drunk who brays with laughter at his/her own jokes. Now imagine that friend-of-friend is a shambling, fetid zombie.

(Note to self: do not watch the Season Two arc involving “the love of House’s life”, Stacy, played by Sela Ward, on the same day a new episode airs. Said arc is sensitive, well-written, two adults behaving in a believably screwed-up way. “Distractions” begins House’s hiring of hookers for uncomplicated sex.)

This ostensible premise is a large slab of fatback about how we all want love but fear it too much, and the substitutes we choose instead. “We Need The Eggs” is a quote from Annie Hall:

I thought of that old joke: This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, ‘Doc, my brother’s crazy, he thinks he’s a chicken.’ And the doctor says, ‘Well why don’t you turn him in?’ and the guy says, ‘I would, but I need the eggs.’ Well, I guess that’s pretty much now how I feel about relationships. They’re totally irrational and crazy and absurd, but I guess we keep going through it because most of us need the eggs.

OUCH! That anvil hit my foot! And so early in the episode! House says the movie is a critique of “our modern mores”. (Annie Hall was made in 1977.)

The underlying premise is how the show demeans women at every opportunity. Not just House, the show itself.

Open with a man out on a date with a woman, Molly, who is not his girlfriend. She likes him and tells him she wants more. His eyes promptly begin to bleed. Way to avoid commitment.

I have to admit here that I was filled with excitement because the arcade game owner was played by my old pal Eddie Pepitone.

The POTW, Biff, is in love with a rubber sex doll, Amy, played by a rubber sex doll. He’s had it customized to look like a yoga instructor he dated for the length of your average high school crush. He loved her but she didn’t love him.

“You come here often?”

Perverted Biff adores Amy (reminding your faithful correspondent of both Lars and The Real Girl and “Mannequin 3: The Reckoning” from Supernatural, in which a man is in love with a—surprise!—rubber sex doll). Speaking of Supernatural, the segment I enjoyed the most was when Amy became “real”, climbed on top of Perverted Biff and proceeded to gush blood from a wound on her torso all over both of them. But of course it’s a hallucination, the go-to device for damn near everything this season.

His illness is from using tap water in a neti pot.

Parallel with this is a sitcom so tawdry I wanted to erase it from my mind half-way through. One imagines the guffaws in the writer’s room: “That’s really sick!” “Let’s go there!” “Omigod, House and his hooker—genius!” “We make hot chicks to do sexy things—no, STUPID sexy things!” Greg Yaitanes: “Ka-boom!”

House’s favorite hooker, Emily, is quitting to get married. He needs a new hooker/rubber sex doll! OUCH! That anvil hit my other foot!

House interviews a parade of prostitutes at his office. One is rejected because she can’t fix small appliances. The last one is reduced to standing on her hands and spreading her legs wide open. Cue laugh track.

House goes to Wilson for advice, Wilson points out that House is married to a beautiful, intelligent woman—adorable Dominika! House enlists Dominika in an adorable plot to break up Emily’s marriage. They hide in her truck called “Knishing On A Star”. Har har.

Bond Girl and Creepy Grandpa coming up with a plan

Wearing a wire, Dominika propositions the fiancé, a fat man (visual gag: beautiful woman, ugly guy, the uber-pairing for most sitcoms) who is ready and willing, but—wait for it—he’s not Emily’s fiancé. He’s her brother! Cue laugh track to hysteria and applause.

House begs Emily to reconsider. It creeps her out that House is living with a fake wife. Maybe she would be okay with a rubber sex doll.

“I see the way she looks at you. I see the way you look at her,” wise hooker Emily says. “It’s not the way my pimp looks at me.” Oh, wait, that last line might be a misquote.

House is stunned at this revelation. He and Dominika might be in love. At least for this episode’s purposes. For a character David Shore said they weren’t bringing back, Dominika is getting an awful lot of screen time. All right, so it’s not Karolina Wydra‘s fault that she’s trapped in this crummy storyline. But why is she so cursedly adorable? Why are all of the women such ciphers?

Oops, I forgot, this is House.

In other boring relationship news, Adams and Chase debate why neither of them have relationships. Yawn. Taub invites a woman over by lying to her. Yawn. Park meets a fellow nerdy music lover and they play guitar together. That’s cute.

House almost kisses Dominika when she says she fixed the blender. You see? A hooker couldn’t fix the blender! Dominika is the woman he’s been searching for! She’s adorable! Then he pulls away—he’s scared of love—his relationships always end badly—he’d have to run his car into his own apartment–!

But when he opens a letter that says Dominika has been approved for citizenship, he throws same into the trash. Much the way he deleted the message on his answering machine while Wilson was staying with him, saying there was an apartment available.

In Episode 10 of Season 2, Stacy compares House to hot vindaloo curry. She starts to tell the same Woody Allen joke, but before she can deliver the “egg” punchline, House interrupts with “curry.”

God, I miss curry.

“Why am I even here?”

House + Dominika = Eeeeeew
I’m starting to wonder if Hugh Laurie isn’t just high on life.
Robert Sean Leonard is mugging his way through his scenes with a palpable air of disdain.
The rubber sex doll is the perfect actress for House.
I wish Dominika was played by Eddie Pepitone.
The “Park looks nerdy but says shocking things” is getting old.
After this episode, I’m going to my doctor to get checked for an STD.

Elisa & Fletcher

DISCLAIMER: I am a reviewer, not a recapper. There’s a difference. You want a recap, go to another site.

To those who ask, “If you hate the show so much, why do you keep watching?”

Because I need the eggs. OUCH!

Did The House Season 7 Finale Endorse Domestic Violence?


Last night’s season finale of “House MD,” titled, “Moving On,” outraged me so that I feel compelled to write in my blog-thing.

Over seven seasons, Dr. Gregory House has done a lot of reckless, illegal and ethically questionable acts. But one thing he has never been is a domestic abuser and potential murderer. Until now.

The season finale, “Moving On,” besides being shabbily written—one could say that about most of the episodes—twisted the once brilliant, misanthropic genius into a brutal, abusive maniac. There is no kinder word for his behavior.

And his creator, David Shore, is defending that behavior.

House has certainly been verbally offensive over the years, acting out all of our fantasies of telling the people we hate to f-k off. However, incidents of physical violence have been few and far between. He punched Chase because House was detoxing from withdrawal. He had a fistfight with Alvie, his roommate, in “Broken,” the Season Six premiere. House provoked a patient’s father into punching him, giving him an excuse to push his cane against the man’s neck and thereby diagnose both the man and his dying son. Each act was considered extreme, to say the least, but NOTHING compared to the hideousness of last night.

A bit of background: House and Cuddy have had one of the most joyless romances in the history of television this season. When they finally broke up fans gave a universal sigh of relief. Most of the season played like an imitation of the once-brilliant “House, MD”. Shameless recycling of plots, patients of the week that one could not care less about, Masters, a spud-gun competition…the list goes on. However, the cast soldiered forth, trying to bring a spark of life to the ordure they were asked to shovel week after week.

But last night’s episode was simply unacceptable. Cuddy repeatedly asks House to tell her how he feels, that they need to have a conversation about their break-up. This might not be the smartest thing to do, and he refuses to talk to her.

Finally they sit down in the cafeteria, and when she tries to get him to open up, he walks out. She follows him, demanding he talk to her. He turns and pushes her violently against the wall, yelling, “You want to know how I FEEL?”

Bear in mind that House is approximately 6’3” and Lisa Cuddy is a slender 5’4”. She looks frightened, and rightfully so, but calms him enough to admit that he’s hurting. Like any abused wife, Cuddy forgives him.

Somehow isn’t this a tad reminiscent of a man beating his wife and then telling her, “Honey, I’m so sorry I did that, I love you so much”?

“Don’t worry, darling, it’s all my fault.”

Cuddy assures him she’s not dating anyone—why is it any of his business?

Then, in one of those turnarounds that only happen on television, she is set up with another man by her sister. House, in the meantime, is doing his best to numb his feelings with copious amounts of Vicodin. He remembers that Cuddy wants her hairbrush back. With his faithful sidekick Wilson, he drives to Cuddy’s house. He walks to the doorway. Only to see through the window that she is enjoying wine and cheese with her sister and two men, one of whom her sister set Cuddy up with.

Barging in and yelling would have been bad enough. Throwing things would have been bad enough. Threatening her life would have been bad enough.

But not enough for David Shore.

House gets into his car, pushes Wilson out of it, speeds away, and then a light bulb goes off in his head. With a squeal of tires, he turns and drives straight into her house, destroying much of it.

Creator David Shore said in an interview with Michael Ausiello early today:

DS: I’ve always thought House was capable of killing people close to him. [Laughs] That’s not to say he was ever going to do it, and I don’t think he would. And even in that moment, I don’t think he wanted to kill anybody. But who knows? Probably part of his mind did. It was a lashing out — a very extreme lashing out. I don’t think it was a murderous lashing out.

TVLINE But he could not have known that the dining room had cleared out.

DS: He saw them stepping out, didn’t he?

TVLINE I think they were mostly still around the table.

DS: They were standing up and she put his hand on [the new boyfriend’s] arm, which was part of the whole thing that set him off. The car was aimed at the house, not at the individuals inside.


If that isn’t the most cowardly, disingenuous explanation of House’s horrific behavior, I don’t know what is.

Cuddy’s three-year-old daughter Rachel might have been in there. He wouldn’t have seen her from the car. He could have killed or injured all four of them. House could have hit a retaining wall and brought a sizeable section of the house down onto the occupants. Cuddy and her guests could have been hurt by flying debris. The list goes on.

When an incident such as this happens in real life, it makes headlines on the local news. Do a web search for “vehicular manslaughter.”

Afterwards, House announces to his best friend, Wilson, that he feels much better, and is next seen sipping an umbrella drink on a tropical beach. David Shore has assured everyone that these events are not a hallucination, but real.

ETA: In the wake of universally bad reviews for this episode, the phrases “would-be assassin” and “attempted vehicular manslaughter” have come up repeatedly.

In another interview, this time with, Shore was asked:

I have to start off by asking, did House want to run over Cuddy and Co.?

DAVID SHORE: No. I think he was aiming at the house — not at the people. Obviously, he was taking a huge risk, but I don’t think he was trying to kill anyone off, but I think he was risking killing some people.

But this is David Shore’s world. It is a shame that such a brilliant mind would stoop to showing actions that will give defense lawyers ammunition for years to come. “Your honor, my client was aiming the frying pan at her collar, not her head.”

SHAME, for revealing just how misogynistic you are.
SHAME, for destroying a fascinating character by making him into a one-dimensional puppet.
SHAME, for reducing Cuddy to alternately a tear-stricken doormat or the Demanding Girlfriend from Hell.

And most of all:
SHAME, for implying that violence and destructive behavior are acceptable acts.

If you think I’m overreacting, your faithful correspondence doesn’t care.

Any more than David Shore does.


A Guest, Er, Writer: House M.D., Huddy And…Bacon?


Forgive my long absence! An emergency arose and I had to deal with it. Do not worry, John Cusack will be fine ere long, but I am not so sure about Patricia Arquette.

In any event, a blog-thing such as mine is “content-driven” and I haven’t had the time to create “content.” However, a person who had emailed me prior to this connected me with his very odd project–a series of what he calls “bacon portraits” of the entire cast of House MD. His slogan is, “Everything is better with bacon!”

So in the spirit of pork-lovers and Huddy shippers everywhere, I present to you a work by a person who only wishes to be known as “WJ”:


Because everything is better with bacon!


One fateful day, Cuddy couldn’t help noticing (and wanting) House’s huge pizza bacon burger sandwich.
Cuddy: “That is amazing. It would give heart attacks to the entire cardiac unit.”
House: “I bet you never knew I had so much meat, Cuddy.”
Cuddy: “Charming.”

But it was true. She couldn’t stop thinking about House, or the bacon, or how juicy both House and his sandwich looked. But how to get House to jump her without arousing his suspicions? She only wanted to arouse House.

House’s meat continued to haunt her…so she asked him to help her with a terrible rash, which could only be cured by being “rubbed with bacon grease.” House thought it was kind of weird. Even he had never heard of such a rash. And he knew every single disease in the universe and beyond! But hey, he could get a look at Cuddy’s a**.

So he brought a big wad of raw bacon to her office and rubbed away. It’s a toss-up as to which one enjoyed it more.

Now Cuddy’s *ss was haunting House’s thoughts. Not knowing that Cuddy was coveting his meat, House went to Wilson for advice.

Wilson: “Do you want a relationship or to get into her panties?”
House: “Either one will do. Short-term, panties.”
Wilson: “You need to make a romantic gesture, House. And don’t give her a sweater. That’s what I gave my third wife for Christmas, and we all know how that turned out.”

So, House thought long and hard about a suitable romantic gesture. Then he had an epiphany. She’d asked to be rubbed down with bacon grease. That meant that somehow, deep in her cerebral cortex, Cuddy knew she needed bacon. STAT!

The next day, he presented Cuddy with a huge bouquet of the good stuff! From the deep South, no less!

But remembering that he’d hallucinated a night of passion with her just months before, House started wondering if this was even real. He could smell Cuddy’s perfume, he could smell the bacon, but what was real and what was not? What was the meaning of life? Why was 13 coming back to the show and not Taub? What if Wilson threw him out? Maybe this wasn’t happening at all, he was sitting in his office playing with his giant tennis ball…It proved too much for House, and he collapsed.

House came to with Cuddy tenderly holding a piece of bacon to revive him, while Wilson watched jealously.
Wilson (thought): “House never gave me a bacon bouquet. Just a dumb brisket corsage. And that was when he was drunk.”
Cuddy: “House, are you all right?”
House: “What–what happened to the bacon?”
Cuddy: “While you were unconscious, I ran to the staff lounge and put it in the refrigerator. I–I couldn’t risk letting it spoil.”
House: “Bacon doesn’t spoil, Cuddy. If you weren’t Jewish you’d know that.”
Cuddy: (wishing Wilson would stop glaring at them and get of there already) “House–House, this isn’t easy for me to say. Wilson, could you excuse us?”
Wilson: “Just until I know that House is okay.”
Cuddy: (with a look at Wilson) “House, I want you to teach me about bacon. In fact, I want you to be my meat guide, to show me the wonders of being a true carnivore. I know it’s going to feel so good.”
House: “We’d better get out of here and get that bouquet, before Chase eats it.”

And so, that night, Cuddy and House shared their bacon…and oh, so much more.

And they lived happily ever (or at least for about two weeks)…BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS BETTER WITH BACON! EVEN HUDDY!

Thank you, “WJ”, for a truly strange experience. And thank you, mon cher readers, I do hope you enjoyed this, er, bizarre creation as much as moi.

Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

Preparing the Menu for My "House" Viewing Party


The first rule of entertaining is: invite interesting guests. The second is: unless it’s a birthday or anniversary, have an interesting central theme. The third is: abundant food and drink. Later tonight is the “Instant Karma” episode of House, and so I though I would share my party menu with all of my wonderful readers. If you have any suggestions for future viewing parties, please do send them on in the “Comments” section.

(I should note that for “Project Runway” I only serve Krug and caviar. Otherwise it tends to get messy when people start arguing over who sent the ugliest garment down the runway.)

Jack Daniels for House fans
Cosmopolitans for Wilson fans
Australian chardonnay and Foster’s Lager for Chase fans.
Mimosas for Cuddy and Cameron fans
Plain water for Foreteen fans

Vindaloo curry in honor of Stacy and Kutner
Asian fusion chicken in honor of Amber
Sweet and sour pork for Huddy shippers
Toothpicks for 13 fans
Jasmine rice for Cameron fans

Babka for Taub fans
Lemon creampuffs for Hameron shippers.
Dark chocolate mousse for Foreman fans
Vegan brownies for Cuddy fans
Fudgecake for Hilson shippers

My guests will be arriving soon–must dash!

Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog*

*his favorite character is Evil Nurse Brenda