House Review: 8×17 "We Need The Eggs" Is Rotten


Ladies and gentlemen, we might have a winner in the race for the worst script for House before the show leaves the airwaves for good. Sarah Hess and Liz Friedman had a strong lead with “Man Of The House.” It was neck and neck with “Gut Check,” written by David Hoselton and Jamie Conway.

But leading the pack by a length as we go around the home stretch is “We Need The Eggs,” written by Sarah Hess and Peter Blake.

Imagine you have a friend-of-a-friend, an obnoxious drunk who brays with laughter at his/her own jokes. Now imagine that friend-of-friend is a shambling, fetid zombie.

(Note to self: do not watch the Season Two arc involving “the love of House’s life”, Stacy, played by Sela Ward, on the same day a new episode airs. Said arc is sensitive, well-written, two adults behaving in a believably screwed-up way. “Distractions” begins House’s hiring of hookers for uncomplicated sex.)

This ostensible premise is a large slab of fatback about how we all want love but fear it too much, and the substitutes we choose instead. “We Need The Eggs” is a quote from Annie Hall:

I thought of that old joke: This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, ‘Doc, my brother’s crazy, he thinks he’s a chicken.’ And the doctor says, ‘Well why don’t you turn him in?’ and the guy says, ‘I would, but I need the eggs.’ Well, I guess that’s pretty much now how I feel about relationships. They’re totally irrational and crazy and absurd, but I guess we keep going through it because most of us need the eggs.

OUCH! That anvil hit my foot! And so early in the episode! House says the movie is a critique of “our modern mores”. (Annie Hall was made in 1977.)

The underlying premise is how the show demeans women at every opportunity. Not just House, the show itself.

Open with a man out on a date with a woman, Molly, who is not his girlfriend. She likes him and tells him she wants more. His eyes promptly begin to bleed. Way to avoid commitment.

I have to admit here that I was filled with excitement because the arcade game owner was played by my old pal Eddie Pepitone.

The POTW, Biff, is in love with a rubber sex doll, Amy, played by a rubber sex doll. He’s had it customized to look like a yoga instructor he dated for the length of your average high school crush. He loved her but she didn’t love him.

“You come here often?”

Perverted Biff adores Amy (reminding your faithful correspondent of both Lars and The Real Girl and “Mannequin 3: The Reckoning” from Supernatural, in which a man is in love with a—surprise!—rubber sex doll). Speaking of Supernatural, the segment I enjoyed the most was when Amy became “real”, climbed on top of Perverted Biff and proceeded to gush blood from a wound on her torso all over both of them. But of course it’s a hallucination, the go-to device for damn near everything this season.

His illness is from using tap water in a neti pot.

Parallel with this is a sitcom so tawdry I wanted to erase it from my mind half-way through. One imagines the guffaws in the writer’s room: “That’s really sick!” “Let’s go there!” “Omigod, House and his hooker—genius!” “We make hot chicks to do sexy things—no, STUPID sexy things!” Greg Yaitanes: “Ka-boom!”

House’s favorite hooker, Emily, is quitting to get married. He needs a new hooker/rubber sex doll! OUCH! That anvil hit my other foot!

House interviews a parade of prostitutes at his office. One is rejected because she can’t fix small appliances. The last one is reduced to standing on her hands and spreading her legs wide open. Cue laugh track.

House goes to Wilson for advice, Wilson points out that House is married to a beautiful, intelligent woman—adorable Dominika! House enlists Dominika in an adorable plot to break up Emily’s marriage. They hide in her truck called “Knishing On A Star”. Har har.

Bond Girl and Creepy Grandpa coming up with a plan

Wearing a wire, Dominika propositions the fiancé, a fat man (visual gag: beautiful woman, ugly guy, the uber-pairing for most sitcoms) who is ready and willing, but—wait for it—he’s not Emily’s fiancé. He’s her brother! Cue laugh track to hysteria and applause.

House begs Emily to reconsider. It creeps her out that House is living with a fake wife. Maybe she would be okay with a rubber sex doll.

“I see the way she looks at you. I see the way you look at her,” wise hooker Emily says. “It’s not the way my pimp looks at me.” Oh, wait, that last line might be a misquote.

House is stunned at this revelation. He and Dominika might be in love. At least for this episode’s purposes. For a character David Shore said they weren’t bringing back, Dominika is getting an awful lot of screen time. All right, so it’s not Karolina Wydra‘s fault that she’s trapped in this crummy storyline. But why is she so cursedly adorable? Why are all of the women such ciphers?

Oops, I forgot, this is House.

In other boring relationship news, Adams and Chase debate why neither of them have relationships. Yawn. Taub invites a woman over by lying to her. Yawn. Park meets a fellow nerdy music lover and they play guitar together. That’s cute.

House almost kisses Dominika when she says she fixed the blender. You see? A hooker couldn’t fix the blender! Dominika is the woman he’s been searching for! She’s adorable! Then he pulls away—he’s scared of love—his relationships always end badly—he’d have to run his car into his own apartment–!

But when he opens a letter that says Dominika has been approved for citizenship, he throws same into the trash. Much the way he deleted the message on his answering machine while Wilson was staying with him, saying there was an apartment available.

In Episode 10 of Season 2, Stacy compares House to hot vindaloo curry. She starts to tell the same Woody Allen joke, but before she can deliver the “egg” punchline, House interrupts with “curry.”

God, I miss curry.

“Why am I even here?”

House + Dominika = Eeeeeew
I’m starting to wonder if Hugh Laurie isn’t just high on life.
Robert Sean Leonard is mugging his way through his scenes with a palpable air of disdain.
The rubber sex doll is the perfect actress for House.
I wish Dominika was played by Eddie Pepitone.
The “Park looks nerdy but says shocking things” is getting old.
After this episode, I’m going to my doctor to get checked for an STD.

Elisa & Fletcher

DISCLAIMER: I am a reviewer, not a recapper. There’s a difference. You want a recap, go to another site.

To those who ask, “If you hate the show so much, why do you keep watching?”

Because I need the eggs. OUCH!

9 thoughts on “House Review: 8×17 "We Need The Eggs" Is Rotten

  1. I agree with this review completely. This show has gotten so boring…I watch it to see how everything will end, since I've been watching from the very beginning. And also because Hugh Laurie is such a fantastic actor – but even his talent seems to be getting wasted. This show started going downhill after season 4…

  2. MF, you are painfully accurate and deeply sarcastic, two rare traits to find in one admirable person. I was thoroughly bored when I saw bleedy-eyed Biff (not exactly original material) then the fake girlfriend/sex doll recalled a so-so movie even Ryan Gosling had a time saving in Lars and the Real Girl. But your review was great, nearly as great as your photo cutlines. Luvvved the creepy grandpa/bond girl. Damn funny.Sorry but as a hardcore Cuddy fan hoping House to find happiness with an equal-in-a-skirt, I am bored silly but the new direction this show is headed in. Poor Wilson/RSL, what shite he has to endure. Poor Dominika/KW, having to endure this pablum. Poor House/HL having to phone this season in and for such a paltry top-of-the-industry salary per episode.Please consider reviewing the ratings and correlating it to the episodes. Perhaps you can enlighten all us former House fans as to what was the common denominator that started killing this once fabulous show. Was it the onset of certain writers leaving or arriving? Shorez doing little blue pills? Lisa Edelstein skedaddling after her contract ended since the scripts took a cliff dive and they made Michael Weston her nut-less bitch (god that was a lame-ass season!)Only you can make some sense of this trite crap of a season. Can't wait for Dom to get preggers so House can go all bonkers about finally being a daddy and all his cares and woes go away just as he crashes his car into the crib store accidentally this time and dies. Awwww. Bitter? Plenty (me that is!)

  3. I agree with this entire thing. Spot on. I hate that house has come to this. There was so much potential but they ignored all of it and made it a lump of crap. They keep saying that it's not our vision, it's the creator's vision and he has a story to tell. I'm trying to hang on in there but when I think it can't get any worse, it does. This show should of been over a long time ago. And I'm wondering how many people are enjoying this vision, cause I certainly am NOT.

  4. For some reason, Google is not letting all of the blog comments through. Here is one I received from Anonymous:I agree with this entire thing. Spot on. I hate that house has come to this. There was so much potential but they ignored all of it and made it a lump of crap. They keep saying that it's not our vision, it's the creator's vision and he has a story to tell. I'm trying to hang on in there but when I think it can't get any worse, it does. This show should of been over a long time ago. And I'm wondering how many people are enjoying this vision, cause I certainly am NOT.

  5. To spoilerchicka -I can't make sense of anything that's happened to the show. Lisa Edelstein probably read the finale script and said, "Thanks, it's been real," and headed out the door.What's happened is anyone's guess. My preferred explanation is that the people behind the camera are delusional.

  6. House has given me many, many hours of entertainment over the years and that is something that I will always appreciate; however, I am no longer being entertained by the show and that makes me sad. I'm only watching now because I have watched from the beginning. Your reviews are now providing my entertainment and I am very appreciative of your efforts. STING

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